One of the common causes of borderline personality disorder (BPD) is childhood trauma. Childhood trauma comes in many forms but the most common source is from the child’s relationship with their parents.

Nobody expects a parent to be perfect. Raising a child isn’t easy, and there will always be mistakes made along the way. Sometimes, those mistakes can be traumatic, and other times, they are quickly forgotten about.

But, when it comes to the narcissistic parent, their personality traits can be so toxic that the trauma they cause can last a lifetime, if the trauma isn’t treated.

There seems to be a very real link between parents with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) and children with BPD. While childhood trauma is a major cause, there may also be other factors at play.

In this article, we’ll look at the traits of a narcissistic parent, their behavior and how it affects their children, and recovering from the trauma caused by a narcissistic parent.

The Narcissistic Parent

Narcissistic personality disorder is within Cluster B of the personality disorders, alongside antisocial personality disorder, histrionic personality, and (yes) borderline personality disorder. Cluster B personality disorders are defined by dramatic, erratic, and emotional behavior. So, right from the get-go, there is a definite link between NPD and BPD.

To understand the narcissistic parent, we first need to know the traits to watch out for. Common symptoms of NPD include:

• A grandiose sense of self-importance.
• The need for excessive admiration.
• A lack of empathy.
• A sense of entitlement.
• More than willing to exploit others for their own gain.
• Being jealous of others’ successes while believing others feel the same towards them.
• Often arrogant and condescending.
• Making every situation all about them.

A parent can have narcissistic traits without having narcissistic personality disorder. However, the result is often the same: a traumatic upbringing for any child they bring into the world.

Narcissistic parents tend to put themselves and their own needs before those of their children. In a normal, healthy parent-child relationship, a parent is the one who validates their child and fulfills their emotional needs. With a narcissistic parent, this is flip-flopped so that it’s the child that validates and fulfills their parent’s needs.

The narcissistic parent will use their child as a status symbol. If they’re doing well in school or sports, you better believe they’ll let the rest of the world know about it. They see these achievements as their own because of their “superior genetics” or how well they raised their child. However, if these achievements stop then it is the child who is a failure for not living up to the standards of the parent. This can lead to constant criticism of the child or even outright emotional abandonment. The child “isn’t good enough” and therefore doesn’t exist in the eyes of the narcissistic parent.

The narcissistic parent may even compete with their own child. If their child tells them of an accomplishment, the narcissistic parent might try and one-up them. For example, if the child got A’s in all seven subjects, the parent will have got A’s in nine subjects! This sort of competitive nature combined with unattainable expectations can make the child feel like a failure and cripple their self-esteem.

Love will often feel conditional when it comes from a narcissistic parent. When you don’t achieve the high levels of success they expect from you, or you don’t constantly feed their ego, or you have your own personality, or you have your own way of doing things, the narcissistic parent may withdraw their love from their child and weaponize it. The message is simple: “Do things the way I want or I won’t love you!”

When multiple children are involved, the narcissistic parent will often play favorites and essentially train their children to feed the parent’s narcissistic needs. Even with a single child, the narcissistic parent may show more affection to a friend of their child who’s a high-flier or a people pleaser.

Children don’t stay young and dependent forever. As they grow and mature, this can be very hard for a narcissistic parent to accept. The narcissistic parent will sense they’re losing control and may take extreme measures to reassert their dominance. Tension and conflict are often high during the child’s adolescence as the narcissistic parent will have little empathy for the struggles of their teenage child. The parent will barge into their child’s room without knocking, set strict curfews, and do everything they can to remind their child who’s in charge.

Another aspect of narcissistic parents that isn’t talked about as often is how unpredictable they can be. Depending on how their day went, how they’re feeling, and who’s around to witness it, they may react completely differently to a situation. This creates an unstable environment for a child. The child often learns that it’s best either go along with their parent’s wishes and/or do their best to avoid them much as they can.

As someone who grew up with a narcissistic father, I remember a lot of his odd behavior and wonder exactly how it affected me. I certainly don’t think it’s a coincidence I developed borderline personality disorder. When I was around 14 I didn’t go out much. My father would often verbally chastise and bully me for this. So I started to visit friends more often. My father set a reasonable curfew of 9 pm. I never once missed this curfew but one night I was going to go to a friend’s house and he told me I couldn’t go out that night. When I asked why he said “Because I said so” and that was the end of the conversation. I’d done nothing wrong, if anything I’d done exactly what he’d asked of me, and yet that still wasn’t good enough.

Looking back, I suspect he didn’t want me going out because he feared I was becoming more independent and popular, a hard combination for a narcissist to deal with!

The Impact A Narcissistic Parent Has On Their Child

The impact a narcissistic parent has on their child is rarely a good one. The lack of emotional support and disregard for their child’s feelings or independence raises a child who feels unworthy and unloved.

The weight of the expectations placed on the child often leads to feelings of inadequacy or creates pressure so intense that it has long-term effects on the child’s ability to do something as simple as relax for a single moment. The constant criticism when goals aren’t met contributes to low self-esteem and emotional dysregulation.

The manipulative and controlling behavior of the narcissistic parent fosters confusion in the child about their self-worth and their own needs leading to an unstable sense of self-image and difficulty establishing healthy relationships.

Finally, the lack of unconditional love and emotional security in the parent-child relationship results in a fear of abandonment or rejection.

In total, the behavior of a narcissistic parent creates the perfect environment for a child to develop BPD.

The unstable environment is only part of the reason narcissistic parents lead to children with BPD though. There is also a genetic factor at play. As mentioned earlier, NPD and BPD are part of the same cluster of personality disorders and share certain traits such as emotional dysregulation, sensitivity to rejection, and impulsivity. Various studies have found that between 13% and 39% of people with BPD also meet the criteria for NPD.

Often the major difference between someone with BPD and someone with NPD is empathy. People with BPD tend to have a great deal of empathy while those with NPD have little. In the case of those with BPD and NPD, they often have empathy and may feel bad when they realize they’ve mistreated someone. However, the need to feel important often outmatches the empathy felt.

One of the most devastating effects narcissistic tendencies have is that it makes the person believe there can’t possibly be anything wrong with them – it’s the people around them that have the problem. This makes it rare for a narcissist to ever seek treatment, including when it’s a co-occurring condition with something like BPD.

The children of narcissists often grow up to have many mental health problems, whether it’s BPD, NPD, depression, anxiety, eating disorders, or something else. These problems are brought into any relationship they have, including relationships that lead to children. Much as having a narcissistic parent harms a child, having a BPD parent can cause problems too. And thus the cycle continues.

Healing From The Narcissistic Parent

The first thing you need to do is accept that any change or growth from the narcissistic parent is unlikely to happen. They won’t be willing to admit they did anything wrong and they’ll always have an excuse for how they behaved – or they’ll have chosen to forget anything that doesn’t fit their narrative.

Understand that the trauma you experienced, the manipulation, the gaslighting, the triangulation, the neglect, the conditional love, were not your fault. While the trauma wasn’t your fault, it is now your responsibility to cope with and heal from it. Is that fair? Absolutely not. But the world isn’t often fair. The last thing you want to do is bring your trauma, your baggage, your mental health problems into future relationships and cause the same problems to other people going forward. Even if you don’t want children or romantic relationships, your other relationships will be negatively affected by your trauma.

Talking about what you went through will help. This can be with a trusted friend, a family member, or a therapist. Ultimately therapy will be the biggest help as not only can you talk through your issues, but you will learn more about your unhealthy thought patterns, and develop skills that will help you to heal.

There are also things you can do alone if you don’t feel ready to talk about the abuse you received during childhood.

Educating yourself further on parental narcissistic abuse can help you to better understand what you went through, how it may have affected you, why it happened, and answer any other questions you may have. You may also learn how to better protect yourself from toxic behavior in the future.

You also need to reframe yourself. You likely see yourself in a negative and warped way because of the impact of your parent’s behavior towards you. You may feel unlovable and like you’re a failure when that’s just not true at all. Your parent was wrong, not you. It takes to rebuild your confidence in yourself and push away the perception your narcissistic parent pushed on you. But it can be done and it’s a huge step to overcoming the shadows of your past.

You should consider the relationship you want with your narcissistic parent in the future. As mentioned earlier, they’re unlikely to accept any fault or blame for what they did to you. If both parents were at fault it’s a little easier to cut them out of your life, should you want to. However, it’s equally possible that your other parent is a victim too and you might still want to have contact with them. Likewise, there may be siblings or other family members you’d like to remain in contact with and talk about your experiences with. This can be a delicate balancing act and does require a great deal of forethought.

Finally, it’s important to remember that healing takes time. There have been years of damage done, maybe decades, and that’s not all going to be wiped away in weeks or months. It will likely take years to undo much of the damage and, even then, shadows may remain. But by prioritizing your mental health, challenging the distorted beliefs imposed on you by your narcissistic parent, and seeking support, you can begin to reclaim your life.