Breaking up with someone is never easy, no matter the situation. Whether it’s painfully obvious to both parties that a relationship has reached its conclusion or one party believes it’s time to move on, there are still a maelstrom of emotions at play as well as practical issues to consider – especially if you live together. When you add a disorder like BPD to the mix, it makes things even trickier to navigate.
If you’re reading this, the odds are that you have a partner that has BPD and you want to end your relationship with them. It also means that you care enough about them that you want to break up from them in as positive a manner as possible.
Breaking up with someone is never easy.
So what is the best way to break up with someone who has borderline personality disorder?
No matter the reason(s) behind the break-up, the best thing you can do is sit your partner down and explain to them in a kind and calm manner that you no longer wish to be in a romantic relationship with them. Try not to attack them or blame them but state that you don’t want the relationship to continue. It can help to write a short speech down and rehearse it a few times in your head before talking to your partner.
It’s important to be consistent and not offer false hope. It’s great if you still genuinely want to be friends with your partner after your romantic separation but if you want a clean break then please say so and don’t offer false hope. People with BPD suffer abandonment and trust issues and while the offer of friendship is nice, if you don’t intend to keep in touch, it’s better for both parties to be upfront about this.
Give them a chance to say their piece and be willing to listen to them during the break up process. They may have some things they feel their need to get off their chest to give themselves a sense of closure. They’re likely to be sad and angry but, if they keep their emotional responses to an acceptable level, listening to them and validating their feelings can be incredibly helpful to them. However, if you feel in danger then you are more than within your rights to leave the situation immediately. Similarly, if you feel that your partner might become a danger to themselves then it could be a good idea to recommend they talk to their therapist as soon as possible. If the danger is immediate then the emergency services may need to be called. It’s a good idea to be in touch with one of your partner’s family members or a close friend if you feel like someone might need to step in and check in on them on a regular basis.
From a practical perspective, ending a romantic relationship with someone who has borderline personality disorder is like ripping off a band aid; quickly and firmly is the best way. If you live together then finding somewhere else you can stay immediately after the break up will make things much less complicated. As people with BPD can be prone to intense emotions such as jealousy, it’s best if you can stay with a family member or someone they won’t perceive as a possible future romantic entanglement.
During the process, it’s perfectly okay to put your own mental health needs first. Your former partner is not your responsibility and you are not their therapist. But, by taking a kind and empathetic approach to the break up, you can make it much easier for the both of you.
Have you broken up with someone with BPD and have some tips of your own? Feel free to leave a comment in the area below. Thank you 🙂