Discouraged BPD (also known as Quiet BPD) is one of the four subtypes of borderline personality disorder alongside Impulsive BPD, Petulant BPD and Self-Destructive BPD. Someone with BPD may have more than one type at the same time or move from type to type throughout their life.
Discouraged BPD looks quite different from the other kinds of BPD and can often go undiagnosed as a result. Someone with Discouraged BPD tends to internalize their emotional turmoil, meaning that people around them might never know they have a problem. However their relationships can come across as dependent which causes some people with Discouraged BPD to be misdiagnosed with dependency disorder.
What are the signs and symptoms of discouraged borderline personality disorder?
- Self medicating with alcohol and drugs as a way to numb intense emotions.
Discouraged BPD can be much harder to spot that any of the other three subtypes of borderline personality disorder.
- Depriving oneself of enjoyment in life due to feelings of worthlessness.
- An intense fear of abandonment.
- Seen as more of a follower than a leader due to passive and clingy traits.
- Being a people pleaser to the point of it being self-destructive.
- Withdrawing from social situations entirely when upset.
- Chronic or recurring illnesses, sometimes somatic in nature.
- Reliance on a fantasy life. People with Discouraged BPD will often be deeply passionate about reading, playing video games or watching TV/movies as a form of escapism.
- Persistent feelings of worthlessness and emptiness.
- Low self-esteem, insecure and vulnerable. Can often come across as overly humble or self-deprecating as a result.
- Suppressed or denied emotions as a defense mechanism.
Problems people with Discouraged BPD face
The symptoms of Discouraged BDP can make life incredibly difficult for sufferers. Healthy relationships in particular can be difficult to maintain as someone with Discouraged BPD can attract people who take advantage of their desire to please and their fear of abandonment leading to toxic relationships.
In turn, some with Discouraged BPD will attempt to avoid most forms of interpersonal relationships and come across as deeply introverted “loners” in an effort not to be hurt by others. People with discouraged BPD will often compensate for this with obsessions over social media, video games, books, and even pornography. This can lead to severe depression due to a lack of physical and social interaction.
Personal accounts of living with Discouraged BPD
“I couldn’t escape the constant fear of being abandoned by everyone I was close to. It felt better to avoid them rather than get rejected by them. Gradually my friends dropped off, tired of me always cancelling plans and finding excused not to spend time with them. It felt better that way. Better to be alone by my ‘choice’ than theirs. One day I looked around and realized I was absolutely alone in the world and I had no one to blame but myself. I knew I had to change but I had no idea were to start or what to do.” - Lily M.
“Our relationship began so promisingly. She loved me and treated me with respect. Day by day, week by week, it all began to erode. Soon I was being taken for granted and taken advantage of. But I couldn’t leave. How could I? What would happen to me if I was all alone? I’d wither away and die. Better to be mistreated and have someone in my life than to be all on my own.” - Ashley G.
“I saw myself as a horrible person that no one would ever want to be with. I found myself apologizing all the time, even for things that weren’t my fault. Even now I struggle not to say sorry all the time. Standing up for myself is a constant internal battle and it wears me out. Sometimes I win that battle, other times I don’t. I’m getting better at it though, even if it’s taking longer than I’d like.” - Naya S.