What does rock bottom feel like when you have BPD?

Living with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) can be full of dizzying highs and terrifying lows each day. Within these lows lies a harrowing terrain known as rock bottom – an abyss where all hope feels lost and the light at the end of the tunnel can no longer be seen.

Unlike a fleeting setback, rock bottom feels like something you just don’t have the strength or ability to overcome. Hitting rock bottom can manifest in various ways, depending on an individual’s unique mental health situation. For others, it may lead to self-harm or suicidal behavior. Others still may experience deep feelings of guilt and shame. It’s even possible to experience all these things at the same time when you hit rock bottom.

As you can imagine, hitting rock bottom is not a good place to be. Some people can use it to prompt them to seek help and turn their lives around, but not everyone is so fortunate. Some people are only able to survive the storm before another approaches. Others succumb to their worst instincts.

It should also be noted that hitting rock bottom isn’t necessarily a one-time thing. When you have BPD, you’re very susceptible to ups and downs, so some people can hit rock bottom many, many times.

We asked our community on social media to share with us times they’d hit rock bottom and this is what they told us*.

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*Names have been changed to protect anonymity.

“My best friend left me after she told me she didn’t want to be around me anymore. She was the fourth person in my life to cut me off in a matter of six months. They all said I was too much to handle, that I played mind games, was hard to be with, and was bad for their mental health. Each person to leave felt like a betrayal and this one was the final dagger in my heart. I kept asking myself why everyone hated me so much. I just knew I was going to be alone for the rest of my life.

“I’d always dabbled with drugs but the whole thing pushed me over the deep end and I went completely wild. I ended up overdosing on heroin and almost dying. I still remember the look in my mom’s eyes when I woke up. She looked so tired and upset. The doctors kept telling me how lucky I was, but I didn’t feel it.

“I ended up in a rehab program which is also how I ended up being diagnosed with BPD. This all happened a few years ago and life is still a struggle. It’s getting better though.” – Rebecca L.

You don’t have to suffer alone. Please reach out for help if you’re struggling Text or call 988.

“I knew I had BPD but I wasn’t in treatment at the time. I’d lie to myself and say things were getting better even though I felt the rage building inside of me daily. Before Covid hit I was able to go to the gym, lift weights, and hit the punching bag to get some of that anger out. When lockdown hit, work dried up and I was locked in with my girlfriend. I felt like a caged tiger.

“I started drinking more and was sleeping during the day and staying awake at night. Our relationship was fizzling out and I think we both knew it but neither of us had the guts to just end it. And it was a terrible time to need to find someplace else to live so we both just put a lid on it and avoided one another for the most part.

“It was a small apartment though and we were at each other’s throats for the few hours we were both awake. At one point she said something deeply hurtful to me and I hit her hard. There was no thinking about it, it was just instinctive. I’ve never felt like such a huge piece of shit in my entire life. The shame washed over me immediately. She was physically fine but that was the end of the relationship right there. Even at the time I didn’t blame her. I was always taught not to hit a woman and it’s a cardinal sin in my book.

“I pretty much drank myself into a stupor for the next couple of years, hating myself. Once Covid lifted, I tried to attend therapy again but there just wasn’t anywhere for me to go. I’m trying to be a better man but no one will help me.” – Eddie D.

 

“I got to the point where I’d messed things up so much with my friends and my family that I decided it was easier to just start over and move across the country. I cut off contact with them and left without saying a word to live in a different state.

“The job I thought I had lined up fell through immediately so I had to sell my car to make ends meet for a while (or so I thought). My money quickly ran out and the stress made my BPD increasingly worse. Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, my landlord kicked me out of my apartment.

“I’ve never felt as helpless or hopeless as I did at that moment standing outside the building with a couple of bin bags full of my stuff, no car, no money, and no job. If it had been a movie it would have started raining.

“I had to go to a shelter for homeless women. It was official at that point: I was the lowest of the low.

“In the end, I had to swallow my pride and call the man I call my dad to pick me up and take me home. It was so humiliating. He seemed glad I was okay and didn’t gloat but I could tell he wanted to.” – Rosanna M.

 

“I’m at my rock bottom right now. My life got worse over the years, with chronic illness, lots of doctors, gaining weight, and losing some friends because of how I treated them. I’ve never felt like a regular person, someone with a normal way of thinking, who isn’t overpowered by their feelings. Yet, I still felt life was worth it.

“Then I lost my job, my health got even worse, and I was diagnosed with BPD. I didn’t share this with anyone for fear of being judged. I was so scared more people would walk away if they knew the real me. Getting diagnosed was tough, but also a relief. It gave me a reason for some of the problems I’d been suffering through.

“The problem is that I’m on a waitlist for therapy and I have no idea when I’ll be able to start. I’m in a very dark place right now but if I follow up with my doctor, he just tells me to be patient. I just want to get better and the whole uncertainty of it all is messing with my head. I’ve been put on some medication but it doesn’t seem to be helping. The whole thing is causing me to spiral.

“What sort of system leaves people to rot like this?” – Stacey M.

“When I was initially diagnosed with BPD during my first stay in the psychiatric ward at the local hospital, it was a challenging and distressing time. BPD had a firm grip on me, dictating my every move and thought. I found myself in a dark place, feeling unworthy of the life I had been given. The overwhelming guilt, shame, and sense of failure weighed heavily on me, especially knowing the pain and worry I had caused my loved ones.

However, after receiving the correct diagnosis, educating myself about the disorder, and undergoing therapy sessions with a skilled therapist every week, I am pleased to report that I have been free from self-harm for approximately two years now. I have made significant progress in my recovery journey, and I’m no longer experiencing intense mood swings or outbursts of anger.” – Elle D.

5 things to do when you're at rock bottom.

It’s not all gloom and doom when it comes to BPD. For every story of rock bottom, there is one of recovery. If you’d like to read more about how people have managed to turn their lives around from BPD, read our latest article: Stories of Hope and Recovery From BPD

A big thank you to everyone from the community who shared their experiences with us. If you have an experience you’d like to share or have any questions, please leave us a comment below.

Sources, Resources, and Further Reading