Many of us know the common signs and symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). But did you know that a lesser reported but still common issue for people with BPD is hating your own name?

It’s true. A quick scan of BPD communities across the internet reveals that many of us hate our names. It’s not just people with BPD. A recent survey in Britain showed that a third of people dislike their first name.  As people with Borderline Personality Disorder tend to experience emotions much more intensely, it’s easy to see how this can become a severe issue. Something that might be a minor irritation to the average person can be a significant aggravation to someone with BPD.

So what’s the cause of all this self-name hatred? Well, that can vary from person to person. People might hate their names for several reasons, and these broadly fit into two categories.

Childhood Trauma

Childhood trauma is an all too common link between people with Borderline Personality Disorder. Whether it’s parental abuse (in all its many forms), other familial abuse, bullying at school, or a one-off traumatic event such as a kidnapping – childhood trauma is rife in people with BPD.

It’s understandable why someone might not like their name when it was chosen by or so frequently used by abusers. It becomes tied to painful memories that the sufferer would sooner not have at the forefront of their mind.

Imagine (unfortunately, some of you won’t have to imagine) if you were frequently bullied at school and your name was twisted and used as part of the bullying. Of course, it will make you flinch whenever you hear it, even as an adult.

Identity Issues

Individuals with BPD often struggle with their own identity. They might feel like they don’t fit in with the rest of society or don’t even know who they are. This can cause them to feel very alien in their surroundings – the classic “fish out of water.”

A name is a label on your identity. You are John or Maria or Zara to the rest of the world. But when you don’t know who you are yourself, what does that even mean? You certainly don’t feel like you are your name. You’re a complex being with a whirlwind of often contradictory thoughts, feelings, and beliefs swirling around you. How can you put a label on that?

There are other issues to consider, such as gender identity. If you’re confused about your gender or feel like your gender is more fluid – having a traditional gendered name like Sarah might not suit you.

Similarly, there is religious identity. If you were given a name with religious connotations and don’t follow that religion, there’s a high likelihood you’ll not identify with that name in any way.

On a smaller level, someone may prefer something else to the name chosen for them. It could be too traditional or not traditional enough. We all have our preferences. A name can be so crucial that most of us don’t get a say in our own. Isn’t that wild to think about? An identifying label we’re stuck with all our lives, and we don’t even get to choose it? This idea can represent a lack of control – which many people don’t find appealing.

What can someone who hates their name do?

If you hate your name, you have two options: learn to accept or change it.

Accepting a name you dislike is challenging, especially if you try to do it independently. That’s why discussing it as part of therapy can be better. Like many other issues, a therapist can help you understand something you dislike about yourself and teach you tricks and skills to cope with it. Acceptance doesn’t happen overnight, though, and can be a long road with many ups and downs.

Another alternative is to change your name. This can be as simple as choosing a nickname you prefer or switching to your middle name (if you have one you like). 

Consider legally changing your name to whatever you want. This can be an excellent way to cut ties with a past you wish to leave behind. It does cost a little money, and you will also need to change your name with your bank, utility companies, etc. There can be a lot of admin when you legally change your name.

If you change your name – legally or informally – you also have to consider that it will take time for people you know to make the change in their heads. They will likely still call you by your old name accidentally occasionally. And there may be others who don’t accept that you’ve changed your name at all. Unfortunately, not everyone is understanding of such things.

What can you do if you know someone with BPD who hates their name?

If you know someone with BPD who has made it clear they don’t like their name, then please take care not to use it. If they’ve suggested an alternative, use it in place of their birth name. If they haven’t suggested an alternative, you can ask them if there’s something else they’d instead be called.

If you accidentally call them by their old name, apologize and correct yourself. You don’t need to make a big deal about it: a simple, “Sorry, I meant (insert new name here)” will suffice, and then move on. This can help prevent the other person from lingering on their own name or feeling bad for making you feel bad.

What does it feel like to hate your name?

“When I’m at my lowest point, hearing my name makes me uneasy like something isn’t right. I don’t know how to explain it exactly. It’s like I’m in the wrong place and time. Or maybe the wrong body. I guess it’s a dissociative state. It does get better though when I start feeling better.” – Lucy S.

“One of my parents was emotionally absent, and the other emotionally overbearing. It caused a lot of issues with me and is the likely cause of my borderline personality disorder. I think it’s also why I didn’t like my chosen name. It reminds me of them and some of the worst years of my life. I’ve unofficially changed my name, and I’ve found that it has helped my mental state a lot. No more memories being dredged up that I’d rather forget.” – Brett W.

“My BPD diagnosis came quite late in life. There were a lot of things I wish I’d discovered much earlier. It feels like it’s too late to restart, so I’m focusing on rebuilding […] One of the things I’ve done to exemplify this is to modify my name. Most people I know have been good about respecting this. I still have a lot of work to do, but it feels good to know more about who I am.” – Chrissie H.